So I also wanted to keep everyone updated on the projects that I have been working on. I had to stop doing one because I found out that I am allergic to wool. It is really sad because they come in some of the most beautiful colors. With acrylics there really isn’t much verity in color. It also makes some projects a little cheap looking with some of the acrylic yarns. What I need to do is find a place that sells acrylics in such cool colors. I don’t know if it’s the artist in me or if I just like brighter colors. I like taking risk with color to create the most amazing palate.

So now I am going to find a way to use all this old yarn that I have laying around to make something cool. I just need to find some good Ideas for project. Or maybe it’s just time to start finishing what I have already started. I just sometimes find it hard to finish things but I guess it is time to start somewhere.
On another note I have found that I am really good at doing cable knitting. It is something that looks like it takes a lot of work to understand and do. But in all reality it is not very hard. I am working on my second project and there is a lot more cable in this project then when my first project. I would like to see if I could possibly learn new ways of doing cable. I am always up for learning new things.


So if anyone has any ideas on cable projects let me know. I would really like the challenge.

A deep pit

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a really deep pit that you don’t know how to get yourself out of? Or even between a rock and a hard place? Or even so disappointed in yourself that you don’t know if you could change? I feel so disappointed in myself I really don’t know if I could ever get out of this place. I don’t want to end up so broken that I can’t fix myself. I don’t know if it’s time for me to find someone that could help me deal with all of this pain and heart ache.

JUST what I thought

So the strangest thing has happened to me. I found out that I have a strong allergic reaction to wool. It’s kind of weird for me. It took me several days to realize. But it all started with a sore throat and is now ending with it settling in my chest. I don’t even know if would be able to finish the project that I started because of how much pain it’s casing me. It looks very good and is coming out beautifully but I don’t know if my health is worth it. I thought that maybe if I rushed to get it done and gave it away that it would be a good thing. I also think that I didn’t want that project to be the problem. But know that I know it is, it’s hard to give it up. What would you do?

Unfinished

I tend to have a lot of unfinished projects before I am even close to being done with one. I don't know if it has anything to do with my attention span. I know that sometimes I can be a little unfocused. I think that has a lot to do with my creative side. I am always excited to start something but when it comes to finishing is a little more difficult to do. I also find excitement when something being done. It is the middle part that I have problems with sometimes.


Scarf with NEW yarn.
I know that at some point that I will have to finish something or start something new with that material. Right now I am working on a blanket for my brother, scarf with this new yarn that I am trying, another scarf that is all cable, and then a shrug for a wedding I am going to.

If only I could find away to stay interested in a project. I have gone thru and done some projects all the way thru. I think the small things that I get excited about. Yes, I know that a lot of people go thru this. I know that a lot of famous painters took years to finish paintings but I am not sure if it was the process or if it was that so much was going on.


My brothers Blanket

Do you have any project that you keep working on and putting them down?

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Why can’t people just say what they mean? Is it really that hard to be honest with another person or even yourself? I believe if we say what we mean then there is no guessing what the other person is feeling, thinking, or even wondering. Are others people options about us really impact how we speak or even if we tell the truth? Do we really not want to hear the truth about ourselves? I know that I have been finding the truth very refreshing. The truth has had me answer questions about myself. These questions that I ask myself have been hard to answer. Even changing how I feel about thing and my relationships with people. What all this comes down to is that I want to hear what people feel for real not this fake feelings that they share with people to make them thing that everything is ok. I think it’s time to start telling the truth.

This has come in to view because of a guy that is trying to come back in my life after standing me up. I don’t know if this changes my feelings about him or how he feels. Or even if I could feel that I could trust him again. Thru all of the communication with this guy has made me wonder why people can’t say what they mean and mean what they say. I have also been talking to someone that has been very open and honest with me from the beginning about what he wants. His honesty keeps me on my toes and makes me feel more comfortable to say things to him.

Jolt

So, there has been a lot on my mind lately. Everything in my life seems to be sorda coming together but there is a lot that I feel is missing. I am not saying that I'm not happy just that there is still things I would like to do. Everything that has been happening has been in the last couple of weeks.

The first thing that I had the first guy hit on me and asked me for my number. It was a big shock to me. So I gave him my number and that night he started txting me. He seemed like an interesting guy. I wasn't to sure about him. I just had this gut feeling that I know what was going to happen with this guy but I really wanted to see where things would go. So he came over one night to watch a movie with me. It was suprizing that he didn't try anything with me. It made me feel confertable with him a little. We sorda fell asleep which was kind of bad because I had to kick him out so that I could get ready for work the next day. That night I didn't sleep that well. But one night when I was at the gym (where I meet the guy) he was talking to me about a business opertonuty. Which just thorw me off. I just didn't know where to go from there. We were talking and then he finially came out and said what he was looking for. He wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship. I am at a point in my life when that type of relationship isn't what I am looking for. I haven't really heard from him sence I told him how I felt about that type of relationship.

The next thing is I am really thinking about becoming a teacher. It's something that I never really though about because I didn't feel like I would be a good teacher. But I have come to realize that I wont know how good of teacher I will be until I try. I just want to be able to share my love of art with another generation. I want them to know how important art is to our culture. I think that there is a lot that needs to be done in this world to show how much art we use everyday.

The last thing that has been on my mind is well my health. I have been working out and eating differently. I also have a surgery that is coming up. I think that their is a reason for everything to be changing in my life. They are going to be talking out my gallbladder. I don't know how this is going to change my mutablizum. I just know that I am losing weight and enjoying the out come of it all. I think I just need something to get me jump started. I would really love to be in the hundrads again. I know that would be a better weight scale to be at. They tell me now that I am obse even thou I have never been there. I guess the only thing I can do is to keep working at it. I will definatly keep you posted on everything that is going on.

Mellow

Have you ever wondered what you would be like when your old and are at the end of your life? I didn't really think about it all that much until I started helping my mother with taking care of my grandmother. It's not something that someone my age would normally think about.

It's been a while since I have seen my grandmother but my mother always keeps me up to date on how she is doing. Well lately my mother has slowly been telling me that everything is getting worse with my grandmother. She has Altimeters and it gets worse every day. The one thing that made it real to me is when my mother told me what she was told by a nurse. The nurse works at my grandmother's nursing home. She told my mother that they found my grandmother picking her own poop out of her butt. It was something that I wasn't ever expecting. I just want life to be easy all the time. Or at least get easier as we get older.

This new scared the crap out of me like no other. I didn't really know what to think about getting older. It's doesn't seem like I'll be the lucky type and miss out on this gene. As it happens my grandfather on my dads side also had this sickness. So it's like a double whammy. I just don't want to be seen like that. I want to be able to know who my grandchildren or children are when I die. I don't want them to have bad memories of me being sick. I just wish that life didn't have to be so hard on us.


What one thing about getting old do you wish never existed? If you could change anything about your family what would it be? And, why?

Awakening

With everything that has been going on in my life I just realized how much better it is to be working out again. I really have missed being able to be active. I use to do a lot of out door activities and played sports. I would really Love to get in to something like roller berby. I want to feel strong and powerful. I am working out and losing the weight for me. I want to be healthy. I want to be something that my father could be proud of.

I am looking in to schools also so that I can get my teaching certification so that I can teach art. I have come to realize that I am good at helping people learn and know new things. At work it seems like everyone ask me how to do things. I don't know if its because I know the information or that I am really good at what I do. I thought if I started teaching it would at least get me started in the right direction to owning my own business where I would be teaching art. I just want to share the wonder of art with other people. Maybe help other people see the importance of art.

Art is in every culture and shows how people have developed over the years starting with cave men painting what they where hunting not only to teach but to decorate their home. It showed the others what is going on in their culture before their really was a form of written language. People also say that art cant get you nowhere in life. I think that it has done a lot for me to be able to just let my self create I haven't really been working on anything big because I am still a little scared to. I think that is the hardest part about being an artist is letting your self go so that you can create and not let others judge your work of art.By putting my self out there more maybe I can one day be able to show my work to other people and have it known to the outer world other then my family and friends.

Do you ever wonder if you can put your self out there and learn that not everyone will like your work? If you have I would love to hear about them.

Severe

So a while back about a month or so. I woke up to a really sharp pain right under my rib cage. I wasn't so sure what it was and why I was having these pains. I called my mother knowing that she would know what to do about the pain. Thinking maybe she might know what this pain is and why it’s happening. My mother told me to wake my brother up to take me to the ER because she thought that something with my Gallbladder. It's hard for me to ask for help like that.

By the time we go to the ER I didn't even really feel the pain any more. It wasn't too long after being there that the pain came back. They gave me some drug to help with the pain. At one point they seemed not to make the pain any less then what I was feeling before. When the pain left the last time it finally felt like it was over.

My mother was right it was my Gallbladder that was the problem. It was trying to pass a stone. The doctor said I need to get it removed and also put me on strict low fat diet. I have lost some weight form this diet. Also, it was a good way to just start my weight loss. I have also joined the gym to help with the weight loss.

Now the only think that I seem to be waiting for is the surgery that will take out my Gallbladder. This morning I had a call that woke me up to tell me that they need to change my appointment. I had to wait for me to have health insurance before I did the surgery. So when they called I didn't want to change my appointment I have been waiting a month to get in to this doctor to see about getting this fix and now he wanted to change the appointment. It's hard to have something like that happen. I am just proud that I finally stood up for myself there are just something that I need to stand up to.

It’s so hard for me to be on this diet. I want French fries so bad. I just want to be able to have a day where I can actually eat something. There really isn't much you can it on a low fat diet. Yes, our bodies need fat also. But when your body stops being able to help itself break down those fats it’s not good. With removal of the Gallbladder you can still brake down those fats but in a different way.

I am just scared that I'm not losing the weight the right way and its going to come back. I am tired of being overweight tired of not being seen by people because of my weight. I just want to feel healthy again. I want to be able to run a mile without dieting. I want to wear a sexy dress. There are a lot of people out there that want to feel the same about their weight. I know this because they have shows about teenagers who want to change their life by losing weight before college and keep it off. I want to keep it off for good. I know changing a life style is hard but it’s what I am willing to take.

I Hate VDay

This is probably something you have heard before. But I think my story is different then most. I hate it for every year that I am with a guy who thinks that its not important (Vday). Some times the most a girl can ask for is for a call from their loved one that in a far off land. For days before I thought that Vday would be easy for me to pass me by... But there was one thing that changed everything for me and for that fatal Vday.

It was about four years ago and I was dating this wonderful man or at least at the time I thought he was wonderful. But he just happened to disappeare on me right around new years. He told me that He might have to go over seas but later in the week told me that he wouldn't be going. So I just thought he was avoiding me. But come to find out he had to go over seas. The lie that he told me then was that the he couldn't tell anyone. But from being a military brat all those years I knew that he could at least tell me that he was leaving for a few months. I tried and tried to get a hold of him then one day he sent me an email saying that he went over seas. I think the finial straw with that relationship was when he didn't even call or talk to me for almost two months. It also didn't help that I lived in a school dorm where I happened to come home from class not know that the lobby would be full of all that mushy stuff they sell. It was the most heart breaking day ever. I was in a relationship that I thought was good for me for once. Then I just felt so alone not wanting to feel like that in a relationship on such a day. So I was depressed for weeks after that thinking why didn't he think that a call would be enough to help me over the hump until he got back from being over seas. So I ended the relationship through email because I knew that he wouldn't answer another day. That night I got the phone call that killed that relationship.

From then on I never liked or wanted anything more then for this holiday to go away. I am sorry for all you in a relationship that think that buying things for their loved ones is whats going to make them happy. Your love is all they need. I hope that you spend time with loved ones this Monday. Don't think your the only one out there alone on this day. I am right there with you and Proud.

Contemporary

Happy New Years, Everyone!!!!

This new years has been very different then it has been in the past. I think that there is something different with me. I have been busy with work. I am learning something new that I have never done before and I wonder some times if I am actually good at this new Job. My new job is a call center job. I am having a hard time adapting to the job. I feel like this is one of those jobs that I will have a challenge doing which is good because that means it will never be the same. I love working with people and helping them.

Other then that not much has been happening. I will be getting a car soon I hope. This will help me do things that I need to do and not have to rely on everyone else around me. It's really hard for me to ask people for rides because I want to be self relent. I hope that this will help me hang out with some of my friends more. It's been tough making new friends here in New Mexico. It's always been easy for me to make friends. I think I have yet again met a great change in my life that I don't know how to react to what is going on. A lot of my friends are at different times in their lives, some are married and some have kids. I feel like I am in that in between stage of my life.

Here is to the New Year and a New Life.

Bewilder

Have you ever been shocked by the way people talk to you? Or even to others? Well I got a story for you tonight.

Last night I went to a wonderful play of White Christmas put on Albuquerque Little Theater. It was a very good show and had a very good cast. It wasn't what I expected it to be. I do have to say that it made me want to watch the movie White Christmas. The last time I remember being at the ALT I was a little girl. I still feel the same way that I did back then, like the theater is some magical place. Some place that I would like to go some times when I need to get out of the real world.

There is something I didn't quite expect what I heard from an old man that sat at the end of our row. Of course me being a girl I decided that I need to go to the bathroom before the show started. So I got up and went but on the return trip to my seat I found that their was another couple sitting at the end of the seat. I asked him if I could get passed him to my seat. Do you want to know what he said. He told me "Why don't you go around?" I just looked at him because I didn't know what to say. Then he said again "No I'm serious go around!" I was shock at his attitude.

Through the whole show I thought about what I said thinking that maybe I didn't ask right or something. But I still don't think that what he said was something that should be said to any one. Does anyone in this world still have manners. I am just shocked that an older man was so rude.

I feel like I need to watch what I say more. I don't feel that I said the right thing at the moment. I can't even remember what I said to the man. I just remember the shock on my face. I want to say that my parents did a good job raising me. I want to show the world that I can be respectable.

Squeezed

Have you ever felt like a sardines in a can? I felt that way earlier today, I got on a bus that had people so tight in there that some people wanted to get off quick. Personally I don't like being around a lot of people that I don't know on top of me. But I did have very interesting experience riding on the bus today.

The first ride this old man sat next to me. When the bus got really full I said "Who don't we feel like sardines." The old man let out a little giggle and then said that he will remember that one. I was just glad that I could make his day. It was that one little giggle that made my day way better then it started. Which is another story all together.

The second ride, it took me a while to find a seat because their was so many people on the bus. It didn't take long for me to actually get a seat. There are a lot of guys around here are actually gentlemen on the out side not to sure about the inside. But they were letting the women and children sit in the seat. Then eventually I had some guy sit next to me on the bus. We chatted a little bit. Then he asked me if I had a phone. I felt really bad because I lied to him. Part of me wanted to have nothing to do with him because he looked like a thug. The other part of me was like thanks for noticing me and what a good person I am. It's hard for me to say this but I think I am ok with being single for the first time in my life.

Taking the time to get to know my self is really helping me a lot with my confidence in my self. I feel like I don't need to be someone I am not. I don't want to change to get a guys attention. I just think that people enter our lives because we need them to. God does things that amaze us everyday. Like this cold weather.

So, is their someone that has affected your life in a way that you didn't expect? How did they change your life?

Inquisitive

Is there something in your life that you seem to question? Where you wonder why your did it? Ask your self how do you get out of it? Wished that you would of done something different?

That easy for me to answer right now. I am sorta questioning why I went to college. Thinking about it now it just seems to have done nothing for me. I don't know why I jumped in to something so big with out thinking about how much its going to cost. I love what I went to school for Art and really feel passionate about it. I question everything about it because right now I cant seem to find away to pay for the education I do have.

I keep feeling like I'll never seem to catch up on the bills I have from school. I don't even know if I'll get a job doing art or be able to do anything with it. I really think I should of went to school for something a little more practical like something Technology wise.

I like working with computers. My last job was working with people and helping them use Mac computers. I just loved showing people what is so interesting with computers and so much you can do. I am now thinking that going back to school and getting maybe an associates in IT. I think it would be good and will help me get into a good IT job. Maybe I'll be able to work my way up in the job that I have now.

But everything comes down to the fact that I don't know when I will be able to start to pay back my student loans. I have some of them on deferment but my privet loans are you to date and wanting money. We will see what life deals me and shows me what to do next.

Do you have anything that you would like to change about your life?

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

So I had a really great day. It was different then I was use too. I spent the time with my best friends family, who seem to have adopted me as another kid. I don't mind so much because I enjoy hanging out with them. I don't have much family around. So, its nice to have a little of un-tradional family. I tried to help cook and did a little cleaning. We watched football and built puzzles. It's always nice to take it easy. I enjoy spending time with my family.

How did you spend thanks giving?

Flabbergasted..

So a lot of great things are happening. First off I got a job FINALLY.. It's the greatest thing for me right now. Its in a call center. Yeah I know not the greatest of jobs but its a job that pays well and will help me pay down my college loans... I just now have to find a way to get two and from work. I really want to work things out so I can keep this job. I know that its going to be difficult to get to and from work.

So with this job I had to take a drug test. It was a long way from where I am at. So, I took like 4 buses to get to where I was going. That was all going good but on the way back I ran in to some interesting people.

The first one was a lady who had just gotten out of the hospital. She then told me and another lady how a bug got into her ear. That is the most crazy thing that I have ever heard of but I can believe it. It sounded kind of gross. It took her so long to go to the doctor, she waited until the next day. I would have been to the doctor right away because it would just creep me out. Then we got on the bus and went to the next stop that we had to transfer (me and the bug lady).

Then I as I walked to the next bus, there was a guy in a big green jacket and camo pants. Then I noticed that their was a stream coming out of his pants. Mind you this was in the middle of the day. I was like "WOW, what is the world coming to?" It was just so gross. The sad part was that there was a McD's right behind the bus stop. The man then walked to it. I understand that guys like to pee out side but in public. I really think this man was drunk. When he got on the bus I was just hoping that he wouldn't sit by me. He didn't thank you fate. But the guy that he sat next to got up right away and moved to the back of the bus. I wonder how many peoples lives he affects. Or wonder if he had something wrong with him that he couldn't or didn't have the time to deal with. I wondered if he had a family that loved him or a place to go. All these questions come to mind when I see people like this.

This whole day has showed me that God does different things in peoples lives it makes them or breaks them with the way they deal with their problems. I want to be someone who can make it through the problems and become strong from it.

Do you have any problems that you think changed who you are and/or the way you think?

Popular Culture

This topic to day came up with a guy that I was talking about pop culture on a Dating site that I'm on. He said that he didn't have anything to do with pop culture. He then told me that media is communication. I really don't think that he knew anything about popular culture, media, or communication all together. So it got me to thinking that not everyone knows what popular culture is. So, I wanted to research it and post what I found out about it.

Fist off lets start by talking about the definition of Popular culture. I took it from one of my favorite sites Dictionary.com and this is what it said:

Popular Culture: contemporary lifestyle and items that are well known and generally accepted, cultural patterns that are widespread within a population; also called pop culture.

With that being said I think almost everything that we do in today's life can be considered popular culture. Things like on-line dating is something can be considered pop culture because it is widely accepted by the population.

So, this guy didn't really think about what he said. I understand that sometimes we don't know what we are saying. I think that taking the time to research what your talking about before you can say it will save you a lot of pain in the end.

Popular Culture originated with some different meaning then It did today. Here is the information I found on Wikipedia

The term "popular culture" itself is of 19th century coinage, in original usage referring to the education and "culturedness" of the lower classes, as was delivered in an address at the Birmingham Town Hall, England.[11] The term began to assume the meaning of a culture of the lower classes separate from and opposed to "true education" towards the end of the century,[12] a usage that became established by the interbellum period.[13] The current meaning of the term, culture for mass consumption, especially originating in the United States, is established by the end of World War II.[14] The abbreviated form "pop culture" dates to the 1960s.[15]

To know the background of some words might help us to understand what it really means. There is just so much to a word that we just don't know about anymore. Its something that we need to learn somewhere in life.

I think that we as a society are losing the knowledge that we use to have. I don't know if its because there is so much more to know or if we are just becoming more and more lazy. I think that we stopped caring about education and started caring about other things in life.

I am glad that I talked to this guy about this. I have learned a lot about pop culture and have grown for this experience.

What do you think in your life is pop culture? Do you like it or hate pop culture?

Wonderful

So the other night I was laying in bed and had a light bulb come on in my head. I think that my passion has been stolen from me. All I need to do is figure out how to get it back even if it takes me a long time to get there I one day would like to be there. When my dreams and passions where stolen from me I also lost a lot of respect for the men in my life.

The guy I was dating at the time verbally abused me and made me think that I was good for nothing. I did a lot of cutting at the time that I have told no one about. I was scared that people would think different of me and I still do. One night I took a steak knife to my wrist I didn't get very far because my crazy ex boy jumped on me until I put the knife down. It was mostly because of him I wanted to show him how he was making me feel. Like that changed anything.

Some days I wish that things could of been different and that I wasn't scared of him. I think I let him over power my life. I feel like I need to take control back of my life. I think that is a little easier said then done. I am going to try and change my life for the better and leave the bad new in the past. I want to grow form the experience and change the future.


The other day I was wondering around Walmart waiting for the Avon lady to show up for our meeting. It was very disappointing because I took the effort to go out of my to meet this lady and then she never showed up. I think an email would of been a great way to tell me that your not coming. It is like a pet peeve for me that people don't show up on time. My step mother was always late and that changed things for me. My dad always told me the early bird gets the worm. I should actually take his advice to heart when looking for a job.

Its been really hard to get motivated to do anything. There has been so much going on in my life its so hard to know where to start. I know that's not a good accuses but it has been the problem of my depression. I hope this will change soon because I have finally got some insurance to go see the doctor about my female problems. But I think taking the Pill will help out everything.



But anyways I found this t-shirt that I really liked and it really applys to my situation right now. It's just to funny.


In your life did you ever feel like you lost something that you could find a way back to? If so what was it and how did you lose it?

Life

Today, I received a little reminder that life is short. Sometimes I wish that I could find what I am really good at. I do so many different things its hard to decide what I am truly in love with. I enjoy writing, painting, ceramics, architecture, art history, interior design, furniture design, and pretty much anything creative. I know that creativity is always there I just need to know where I can actually use my creative skills.

I wonder if there is any one out there that has been where I am right now. Someone to tell me what to do how to approach this big elephant in my life. I don't know if everyone goes through this but I know that I am having a HARD time coping with all of this.

This reminder is something that I am going to have to deal with one day. This reminder is Death. He has every ones calling card its just knowing that what you did with your life is worth it. I have had a major death happen in my life when I was young and it changed everything in my life back then. I want changes to happen in my life now to show me the way life should be going. I feel that there is a lot of things that I have yet to experience.

One day everything is going to come to me and it will be the greatest day. I know that God will guide me to where I need to go with my life. God has become an important part of my life. I am new to Christianity but I feel that I know a lot about God but I feel my Faith is weak. I want to grow in Christ. May Christ be with you...

Going For a Walk

Today I decided to go for a walk today. I have been meaning to do it more often just for the work out. Today seemed like the perfect day for that. It was really nice out side the sun was shining and everything. I walked through the neighborhood looking around and just taking in everything around me.



I saw why my grandfather walked those streets every day. It was amazing how beautiful the world seems with all the destruction of the world. The I ended up at the park that my grandfather always ended up at. Looks like they did a lot of work on the park since the last time I was there.

They made it where you can walk all the way down the hill to another park area at the bottom.. You could walk down one side and up the other. It was beautiful. You can see the whole city form that park. I was so inspired to go back again tomorrow. Maybe I'll see something new. The world is full of surprises.



This walking will help me physically and emotionally. The beauty is just so amazing.. I think I will bring my bible and my sketch book to more and maybe create some beautiful art work.

I am going to attach some pictures to show you the things that I discovered today.